If we were to liken the various smartphone platforms to wives, this is what we would probably get:
- The iPhone
The iPhone wife is a very beautiful one. She’s tall, and she’s always taking care of herself. She’s the perfect woman to go out with and show off. She’s an accomplished professional, and a good house-keeper too. However, she won’t let you do everything you want to do: she won’t allow you poker nights with your friends, and won’t allow you to share anything with others. She’s very controlling, but after 3 years of marriage you are already addicted to that control. There’s a way to get her give you more freedom by occasionally shouting at her, but this can attract the wrath of your mother in law. Not recommended.
- The Android
The Android wife is a versatile wife. She’s able to accomplish a lot of things, she’s smart, she’s open to all kinds of discussions, and she’s good in bed — a cool gal overall. Problem is, she’s pretty ugly, and most of all, she’s messy. The only way to get past the situation is to think of your wife — and introduce her to your friends — as one of the dudes. Then the pain gets easier.
- The Windows Mobile
The Windows Mobile wife is one ugly cougar. She’s married to a 25 year old, and he’s her virtual slave. He stays with her because she’s rich, she has connections, and a lot of amenities at her huge house. He has even developed a blind-folding fetish because it was the only way to not look at her while having sex. He can’t wait for the day she dies.
- The WebOS
The WebOS wife is a handsome wife, almost as good-looking as the iPhone wife. However, she’s retarded. She can’t do much by herself, and when you need something of her, you need to talk to her like you are talking to a child. Every time you go out with the iPhone wife and her husband, the WebOS wife keeps reaching and touching the iPhone’s wife shiny dress. The iPhone wife pulls back, but the WebOS wife gets all close to her again. A very uncomfortable situation to be in for a husband. Not to mention that the iPhone wife will keep boasting about her accomplishments over dinner, while your own wife still keeps drooling over the shiny dress and laughs when no one else is. Doctors say that there’s potential for intellectual growth there, but it might take time. Hang on in there.
- The Blackberry
The Blackberry wife is a very religious wife. She brings the most money in the house with her two jobs. She takes care of the house, the paperwork, the cars, the children. At first glance she sounds ideal, but then you will have to put up with her ideals, her need to donate thousands of dollars per year to the church, and the fact that she will only have sex with you only once or twice a month since she’s tired most of the time. Sometimes you ask yourself why you put up with her bullshit, but on the other hand, having everything taken care of is pretty nice too.
- The Symbian S60
The Symbian wife is a middle-aged wife that’s never happy with her appearance. She has had nose jobs, and boob jobs, and lip jobs. You keep telling her that she’s fine the way she is for her age, but she keeps wanting change — a change that’s usually for the worse. Every time she comes back from one of these surgeries she forgets stuff. She forgets all your history together, she even forgets how to cook, how to do the bed, how to give a good blow-job. Her identity crisis is what makes you consider getting a divorce, but she gains you back by saying that her next surgery will make everything alright, with minimal fuss.
Editor’s note: My husband says that I am an Android wife.