The ‘I Like Implant’

The RIAA/MPAA will — at last — solve the decades old problem of piracy: an implant behind the ear of each citizen.

When a person listens to a new song or watches a new movie and the implant detects cannabinoid and seratonin production in the brain (chemicals responsible for euphoria and happiness), they automatically charge the person $0.99 for a song, or $3.99 per movie. The implant is Bluetooth-based and so it can recognize the song/movie via the –also Bluetooth-based– source playback device, and can send usage and chemical response statistics back to RIAA/MPAA via the person’s cellphone.

Efforts to remove or mess with the implant’s chip can lead to permanent hearing and hair loss. On the positive side, the chip is able to induce the right hormones for guaranteed satisfaction during sex, and immediate sleep after going to bed, battling once and for all the age old problem of insomnia.

The “Pro” version of the implant, which adds support for reality shows and porn, comes with the first 25 music tracks free of charge. The pro version is also able to boost the hearing ability by 12%, so this model is certain to prove popular with the seniors.

The chips will be manufactured in China, and this was a point of concern in the US Congress last month as some feared that the implants might be compromised by the Chinese intelligence to do “more” than they are supposed to. A big chunk of money from RIAA/MPAA put these fears to rest and the President’s spokesperson promptly assured the population that any such fears are unwarranted.

The standard version of the implant costs just $49, while the pro version costs $79. Plantation is free of charge, albeit possible technical support might not come cheap — the RIAA/MPAA lawyers are still working hard trying to find a fair price, something that they have successfully achieved in the past numerous times.


Jim wrote on June 12th, 2008 at 5:34 PM PST:

Is this some kind of joke?
You have gone too far
First you tell us being naked is not dirty
Then you tell us sex is not dirty, esp with JBQ (I will take your word for it)
and now this.
I don’t know who to believe any more.
About life: It’s just greek to me!

adam p wrote on June 13th, 2008 at 6:26 AM PST:

hilarious. but stop giving them ideas…

Ivan wrote on June 14th, 2008 at 12:50 AM PST:

This reminds me of a computer game I used to play: Syndicate (or its sequel, Syndicate Wars, can’t remember). In it, ordinary people had implants too, but then something went wrond.

ps and off topic: Can’t wait to see your first footage with your 35mm adaptor!

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