My current psych

Two things about me that you might not want to know.

1. I suffer from tokophobia since I remember myself and it is related to my fear of pain in general. Coupling this with my bad health, I don’t think we will ever have children. Wikipedia says that a painful event can create tokophobia, and this might have been my problem with my belly button: I can’t touch my belly button, I almost faint if I do. I think when I got born the doctors did such a shitty job stitching my navel up that each time my mother would clean me up as a baby, she would touch my belly button sending me literally to hell. Even the thought of touching my belly button makes me wanna faint (I start breathing hard, I completely freak out). These early pain sessions when I was a baby (I obviously could not speak to tell her to not fucking touch me on my belly button) could have contributed to my fear of pain and tokophobia.

2. I am currently going through my mid-life crisis (I am 34). Wikipedia says that individuals experiencing a mid-life crisis are said to have some of these feelings:
– search of an undefined dream or goal
– a deep sense of remorse for goals not accomplished
– desire to achieve a feeling of youthfulness
– need to spend more time alone or with certain peers
– a desire to initiate new sexual partnerships

They all ring true to the current me (yup, all these points). Because of all this, I have fallen into depression for quite some time now. I can’t thank JBQ enough for being so supportive though. He is a real angel and my best friend, but he deserves better. Together we will battle my crisis, but I don’t see any way out of my tokophobia – ever.

I do need to go to a doctor about my belly button, obviously, but I don’t want to even hear that I might need surgery. So I don’t go.

15 Comments »

Dimitar Uzunov wrote on October 26th, 2007 at 1:02 AM PST:

I’m sorry if I’m asking a too personal question, but have you ever thought of adoption?


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Eugenia wrote on October 26th, 2007 at 1:03 AM PST:

Yes. JBQ is not too hot on the idea though. πŸ˜‰


Loic wrote on October 26th, 2007 at 1:11 AM PST:

“- a desire to initiate new sexual partnerships”
“I am thinking of getting a personal trainer”

Be VERY careful Eugenia πŸ˜‰


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Eugenia wrote on October 26th, 2007 at 1:12 AM PST:

Haha, good one. πŸ˜€

Don’t worry, I am old fashioned enough, and my JBQ is my whole world, so I would never do anything to hurt him. And we have no secrets from each other so he’s with me every step of the way around this crisis.

Besides, I look like ass. Think of a female version of RMS.


Adam S wrote on October 26th, 2007 at 5:26 AM PST:

Besides, I look like ass. Think of a female version of RMS.

I wish I didn’t laugh, but I just love self-deprecating humor, so I got a chuckle from that.

Let me just say that while JBQ might not be “too hot on the idea,” I know several people that have adopted, and they are SO happy they went through the process. And when you’re done, you have this amazing experience: a child who becomes your everything. I know initially it’s not quite the same as having your natural offspring, but it’s certainly the entire parental experience.

If you are warm to adoption, talk to JBQ and let him sit on the idea for some time. He may eventually open up to the possibility.


Luis wrote on October 26th, 2007 at 7:24 AM PST:

>I donÒ€ℒt see any way out of my tokophobia – ever.

This is not something I’d recommend lightly because some experiences can be really hard and life changing, but have you considered doing something like Rebirthing? It could help with both your Tokophobia and navel problem. But in case you consider it, don’t do it just to “give it a try”. Be 100% sure you want to do it and understand its implications. Releasing a deep trauma is not an easy step to take.


Thom Holwerda wrote on October 26th, 2007 at 8:10 AM PST:

I’m not too shabby on personal diagnosis – especially not off a Wikipedia page.

Go see a real doctor or psychologist, and have him or her diagnose you properly. Just because you happen to match a few symptoms listed on a Wikipedia page doesn’t mean you actually have the particular disease or situation.


Thom Holwerda wrote on October 26th, 2007 at 8:12 AM PST:

In addition, be careful with the word depression. Feeling down is not a depression – not even when it’s chronical.

Depression is a true physical disease, where you have a shortage of certain neurotransmitters. There’s no way you can say, without any professional diagnostics, that you have a depression.


mikesum32 wrote on October 26th, 2007 at 8:19 AM PST:

I think you should go see a psychiatrist. I’m sure they’ll ask you all kind of personal questions. They’ll ask about sexual abuse or trauma and ask you if you ever witnessed someone close giving birth, and if it scared you as a child. It’d be helpful to talk about it, even with your husband present.

Systematic desensitization would probably do wonders, but it won’t change overnight.


memsom wrote on October 26th, 2007 at 8:23 AM PST:

Okay, is it just me picking up on this line:

> when I got born the doctors did such a shitty job
> stitching my navel up

Why, in heaven’s name, did a Doctor have to go any where near your navel with stitches? I have 3 children. Not one required stitched. You clip th chord and with in about 2 weeks, it just drops off. No mess, no fuss, no stitches. In fact, I am about the same age as you (34 in January) and I had a clip when I was born too. My mother took great delight in showing it to me when I was a kid. Maybe I’m the only one with kids? I can’t believe that though.


mikesum32 wrote on October 26th, 2007 at 8:32 AM PST:

Thom, AFAIK there is no way to measure neurotransmitter levels in the brain, and anti depression medication are like sort of black magic, that is they’re not sure how they work, but have theories. We think this medication does X, but it turns out to do Y or X and Y.

I’m not saying they don’t work, but another thing that can work is exercise. Exercise is a very successful treatment.

Thom, in fact, feeling down chronically is one of the symptoms of depression. That’s not to say it isn’t something else. There is not solid hard proof like an x-ray or blood test for depression, only questionnaires and previous behaviour to go by.


Dimitar Uzunov wrote on October 26th, 2007 at 8:33 AM PST:

@Thom: I once checked my symptoms (chest pain and others) on the Internet and I concluded that I was having a stroke! So I was close to panicing and I rushed to the hospital. Before I even entered the doctors cabinet she asked me: “Do you smoke??”, I said “no..”, “Nothing??” And I ofcourse said “NO”. Then she checked me, asked all kind of questions, and concluded that it was some virus or something and I got a recipe for antibiotics πŸ™‚ which helped! I was surprised to find that it was possible for smokers to endanger their lifes while they are so young – I’m a teenager and she asked her questions while being dead serious. Also cocaine users are also at great risk.
So the moral in this story is: don’t diagnose yourself – go see a doctor.


l3v1 wrote on October 26th, 2007 at 11:39 AM PST:

Well, a good psychologist could be the way to go. Fear of being pregnant or giving birth (although the latter could maybe be alleviated by having a caesarian) really might stop you ever having a child, what might even drive your husband into depression. Many dream of own children, and it’s really hard to give it up. Your so called crisis might even be related to not yet having an offspring [or might not, I just think I’d feel that way].


Frank Miller wrote on October 26th, 2007 at 10:32 PM PST:

All three of my children are adopted.

I recommend it heartily.

FM


Mark wrote on October 29th, 2007 at 9:23 PM PST:

Have you seen the movie Idiocracy? 😐


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