Two things about me that you might not want to know.
1. I suffer from tokophobia since I remember myself and it is related to my fear of pain in general. Coupling this with my bad health, I don’t think we will ever have children. Wikipedia says that a painful event can create tokophobia, and this might have been my problem with my belly button: I can’t touch my belly button, I almost faint if I do. I think when I got born the doctors did such a shitty job stitching my navel up that each time my mother would clean me up as a baby, she would touch my belly button sending me literally to hell. Even the thought of touching my belly button makes me wanna faint (I start breathing hard, I completely freak out). These early pain sessions when I was a baby (I obviously could not speak to tell her to not fucking touch me on my belly button) could have contributed to my fear of pain and tokophobia.
2. I am currently going through my mid-life crisis (I am 34). Wikipedia says that individuals experiencing a mid-life crisis are said to have some of these feelings:
- search of an undefined dream or goal
- a deep sense of remorse for goals not accomplished
- desire to achieve a feeling of youthfulness
- need to spend more time alone or with certain peers
- a desire to initiate new sexual partnerships
They all ring true to the current me (yup, all these points). Because of all this, I have fallen into depression for quite some time now. I can’t thank JBQ enough for being so supportive though. He is a real angel and my best friend, but he deserves better. Together we will battle my crisis, but I don’t see any way out of my tokophobia – ever.
I do need to go to a doctor about my belly button, obviously, but I don’t want to even hear that I might need surgery. So I don’t go.